Do You Trust Me?

COMMENTS

I’ve been away from my computer for a while.  The last five days have been beautiful and distressing.  My son is getting married on Saturday to a wonderful girl that we love.  Beautiful.  But my grandson is seriously ill and hospitalized, suffering from complications of a recent surgery.  Distressing.  I’ve never had a situation where I had to deal with such contradictory emotions all at the same time.

NOTES

As I rejoice in my son’s wedding that’s just three days away, I feel so happy.  I want the week to hold nothing but joy for this incredible couple.  At the same time, my heart breaks for the wonderful boy that’s laying in that hospital bed in such pain.  This week has taught me that our God is truly amazing and that we, His creation, are amazing as well.  I never would have thought that such joy and sadness could coexist.  But they can.

As I lay in bed last night, I prayed for both.  It was easy to pray for my son, his fiancé, and the wedding.  That’s a happy occasion with a bright outlook for the future.  My struggle came as I prayed for my grandson.  What the future holds there is not clear at this point, and we have lots of questions and concerns.

As I prayed and prayed, I slowly realized that my struggle was a battle of wills—my will versus the Father’s will.  I have a predetermined outcome that is the only one acceptable to me:  complete healing for my grandson in a very short time frame.  I was stressed and anxious.  The Spirit’s voice came to me, quietly at first then louder.  He asked, “Do you trust Me enough to give this situation to Me?  Will you put him into My hands, not knowing what My will is for your grandson?”  To be honest, I didn’t want to do it.  I lay there knowing that in this circumstance I truly want my own way.  Typically, I want my own way; but this is different.  This is more than wanting some new toy or even an improved relationship with someone.  This is my grandson, a beautiful, lovable, gifted, God-fearing young man.  And I WANT MY WAY!

My Lord is patient and loving, kind and persistent.  He held me and gently reminded me that He loves CJ even more than I do, more than even his parents do.  He revealed that my insistence on my own way is actually rebellion against Him.  It’s sin.  How can longing for healing for one I love be sin?  It’s sin because I’m putting that healing above my desire for God’s will.

As I continued communing with my God, I finally surrendered to Him.  He knows my heart’s desire for CJ; and He’s pleased when I choose (by an act of my will) to give CJ to Him, trusting that He alone knows what’s best.  That’s when the anxiety left; and for the first time in days, I found peace.

Is that a one-time battle?  No, I have to make the choice to surrender several times every day.  But at least I now know what the real battle is.  Knowing that, I can stand against Satan and look to my Heavenly Father for the strength to do what He asks.  This is the prayer He has given me for those moments of struggle:

“Heavenly Father, give the doctors wisdom and discernment to know how to treat CJ, but help me not to rest in the wisdom of man.  Father, be with CJ and heal him completely and quickly; but help me not to give control to my flesh and its desires.  Lord, help me to trust you, the Good, Gracious, and Loving Creator, who loves each of us and knows what’s best for CJ, for his mom and dad, for me, and for all who love him.  This can only be accomplished by Your strength.  To You be all glory and honor and praise!  Amen.”